Show Me The Money!

Where are the Jackson and Madoff Millions?

I don't normally cover the news, just rant at it, but it's been a helluva week, with two particularly big stories. One of them is the death of Michael Jackson, the other is the 150 year sentence doled out to uber-conman and all round shit, Bernie Madoff (I think that's the first Michael Jackson sentence this week not to also feature the phrase 'King of Pop'). I laughed out loud and did a little dance when Madoff was sentenced today, given as much time in prison as I think Lex Luthor got the last time he was up before a judge. Sometimes justice fails you and shakes your faith in it. This was not one of those times. Frankly, for all the harm he's caused, I think they should keep his corpse in its cell until the 150 years is fully served.

Anyway, what connects both these stories? The answer: Money. Specifically, the location of large quantities of it. Both Madoff and Jackson's millions have been talked about a lot, because there are a lot of people with a lot of reasons for wanting some of it. In the case of Jackson, fans who bought tour tickets are wanting their money back, while there's also been media specualtion about his will and then outstanding debts and what the investors and banks are owed. Of course, Jackson's finances and missing millions have been fodder for the media for years, but only now are things coming to a head. In terms of Madoff, his £150 billion + dollar Ponzi-scheme has left millions of people out of pocket or in debt, and understandably they want it back. Question is, where is it? Here no one is quite sure. Such was the complexity and length of his scheme that it seems impossible that any or many will get their hard-earned money back.

And so it seemed apt to draw this cartoon, designed to represent everything I just talked about and has been discussed ad infinitum in the press. Where's the money? No one knows. It may as well be hiding.

A Poster By A Poster...

I went to the lovely printing people earlier this week to get a poster made out of one of my cartoons (no, I'm not super-vain; I needed something to cover up a very ugly patch of wall in my room - damn Ikea wardrobe sections!) and due to an error on their part they gave me two. I now have a poster hanging around that I don't need. If you want it then let me know. It's A2 size (so quite big) and looks like this...

So if you can give it a good home (or you also need an unmoveable scuff mark, perhaps caused by the putting together of Ikea furniture, on your wall covering) then tell me in the comments box or let me know on Facebook and you can have it gratis. I have no idea how I'll decide who gets it if more than one person wants it (to be honest I'd be shocked if more than one wants it) - a raffle would be the best way I guess. Or putting all your names in a box and picking one out. Oh wait, that's a raffle too. Well then that's how it would happen. Maybe I'll get Raffles the Gentleman Thief and King of Raffles to oversee the raffle...

Anyway, let me know if you want it.

Riddle Me This...

I was watching Adam West's 'Batman' the other morning (well, 2am is technically the morning) and it featured the fantastic impressionist and entertainer of the 60s Frank Gorshin as the Riddler. Unfortunately some of the riddles in that particular episode were...well, how can I put this diplomatically?...shit. This was very disappointing, as I love a good riddle. They really fire the brain up, and when they're really good the answers can be so clever you go 'Ahhhh! Of course!'. With that in mind, here are some riddles. What do they have to do with cartoons or my random ravings? Absolutely nothing. And that's all I have to say on the subject.

-"Feed me and I grow, give me water and I die. What am I?"

-What gets wet when drying?

-What has four fingers, a thumb, but is not flesh, fish, fowl or bone?

-What is a 5 letter word that becomes shorter with 2 letters added on to it?

-What is so fragile even saying its name can break it?

-What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?

-I am always there, some distance away, somewhere between land or sea and sky I lay, you may move toward me, yet distant I'll stay.

Just to be a real bastard I'm not going to put up the answers. Bwahahahaa! If you know any of the answers you can put them in the comments box or be equally cruel to others and keep them to yourself, safe in the knowledge that you're very clever.

The blog post that 60% of the time makes sense all of the time...it's Rob's Random 5

1. F**k You(Tube): I love YouTube. It has a lot of great stuff on it (I mostly just watch Mystery Science Theatre and Justice League Unlimited - great shows) but unfortunately a lot of crazy people use it too: people who only seem to be looking for a fight with other people they have never met and are never likely to meet. And so sometimes you'll see the Comments sections below videos filled with people who are just swearing at one another and expressing frankly disgusting opinions at complete strangers. The thing is, sometimes it happens on the least likely videos. Take this one, which is a public information film for Swine Flu. Perfectly reasonable and a very level-headed approach to something that has spun way out of control in the press. But take a look at some of the more recent comments below it and there are all sorts of shocking profanities flying around, for reasons that really escape me or indeed general logic. And it's unecessary. Completely unecessary. And it really makes me mad that manners and politeness and just general decorum and level-headedness are thrown out the window by people just because they're sat at home at their PC and nowhere near the people they're typing profanities at. Does it make them feel big or clever to argue and swear just becasue someone has a different opinion? And if someone has said something hateful or ignorant then why not just be the bigger man and rise above it by keeping a cool head and not replying. And if you really must reply, do it with some eloquence please.
So I say this to those ignorant, hateful people who like to use foul language to insult people they don't know: Fuck you. Fuck you all.

And that right there's irony folks.

2. Transformers: Filthy-mouthed robots in disguise: I remember going with my dad and my brother to our local Woolworths (back when it existed) and us both being allowed to pick one video each to buy (yep, good ol' VHS). My brother, for reasons that will always escape me, picked a video of The Sylvanian Families, whereas I picked 'Transformers: The Movie'; the cartoon film which was also the last movie that the great Orson Welles featured in (and to this day I still feel sorry for him just for that). However, had I lived in Australia and purchased the (now infamous) Australian edit of the movie there I would have been privileged to hear a rather noticeable swear word placed smack in the middle of proceedings. I seriously don't know how this one got past the Antipodean editors: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbgRyfdAFPg

Still, at least he's not swearing at other YouTube commentators...

3. 'Owling all Night: Who knew Owls could be so noisy? There are a lot of owls around Smedley Towers and they love to 'Twit' and 'T'woo' all night in very loud voices. And they do it at about 3 in the morning. It's kind of the owl equivalent of two loud guys talking to one another across the street:

"Hey! Hey, Eric! Hey! Yeah! You goin' to Fred's party?"
"What?!"
"Are - you - going - to - Fred's - party?!"
"Err, I dunno, where is it?"
"It's in the big tree. Y'know, the one next to that other big tree."
"The one near the big oak tree?"
"No! If I meant the big oak tree I'd have said the 'big oak tree'. I just said 'the big tree'."
"Well there's a lot of big trees round here Dwayne, which one do you mean?"
"The big tree Eric, the big tree. Y'know, the big tree next to the thing."
"The thing?! What, what the hell's that meant to mean?"
"You know, the thing, near the other thing thats next to the big tree."
[Rob opens his window and yells at the owls]
"Whoa, I better scramble. See you at the big tree."
"What?!"

The point is, owls are really loud, and should keep their business hours to reasonable times. Anything after midnight is just egregious. Shaddap and go catch some field mice, ya damn head-swivelling birds!

4. Article: Chris has a great article on wine and Existentialism. Or does he...? (haha, see what I did there? Of course you do. Existentialism in action. My whole article is merely a shadow on the cave wall... Or is it...?!?!? Plato would know...)

5. And finally: ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-TOAD!

Until next week, take care and watch out for the owls...

It's Only Words...

One of my favourite authors, Jasper Fforde, has the best author's website ever. This is a fact. There are lots of great things to check out and take part in, with my current favourite being the 'Made Up Words' section, in which you can submit your favourite made up words, like 'Puffalope' (one of those padded, puffy envelopes. This is a word I've already used twice today), and 'Eloquacious' (a mix of eloquent and loquacious, meaning "the ability to create brand new words, that sound as if they've always, truly existed, and mean exactly what you think they would"). Check it out here and see some truly great words to put in your next story/novel/board meeting presentation. And if you have a made up word then let Jasper know.

Fresh from the feverish throes of flu (and try saying that fast three times), it's Rob's Random 5!

1. For Tweet's Sake: I don't really get Twitter. I don't hate it, but nor do I love it. It's just not something for me. But I can understand why other people like it. It seems like a good way to stay in touch with people, and also a good way to spread breaking news. Sky News certainly agrees with the last part of that sentence, as you can get Twitter news updates from them (just as you can from any major news network). HOWEVER, I think Sky's gone a little bit 'Twitter Crazy', as I was rather shocked to see it has its very own Senior Twitter Correspondent. This, I think, is someone who reports on goings on on Twitter in the same way a Parliamentary Correspondent would report on the day to day goings on of MPs. What next? Correspondents for Facebook and MySpace? Or eBay? "This just in, Mrs. Price of Croydon bid £22 for a pair of pink bunny slippers." or "We're getting some breaking news that John Smith is no longer in a relationship." It all seems a bit...well, bandwagon-y. I mean, I watch the news to get news; actual, proper, fact-checked and researched news put together and presented by people who are actual proper journalists. If I want to know what shokjok42 or miamigirl666 think of Swine Flu I will go and look on Twitter for their opinion. I get a little bit tired every time the news and public opinion bleed together, as in when they get people to text/email in with their opinion on a story, or when Sky News has that 'What's Popular on the Web?' section that frequently just shows clips of funny cats from YouTube.
2. Foxing Hell: This story made me laugh this week. There's a picture book to be written out of it without doubt. A mother fox that steals shoes for it's children to play with?! The cute factor is off the scale! And if a movie version of the book was ever made, I could imagine Teri Hatcher voicing the fox mother, and Peter O'Toole as a wicked old cobbler with a grudge. Make that, Hollywood!
3. Where's the S.W.A.T Team?: This story is just...well...brilliant. There's a picture book to be written out of it for sure too.
4. Rifftrax: If you haven't seen Mystery Science Theatre 3000 then your life is just a little bit colder and darker than those who have. There are plenty of hilarious episodes on YouTube and they're all well worth your time (I recommend 'Puma Man'). If however, you have seen every episode of MST3K that's out there, definitely check out Rifftrax on YouTube and at Rifftrax.com, which is Mystery Science Theatre but without the puppets. It's done by the same guys and is every bit as funny. Plus they cover well-known box-office films like Star Wars, Bourne, and Indiana Jones. The Dark Knight and Jaws are hilarious.
5. Publisher excels as sex sells (good tongue twister there): And might this be the weirdest book that you never want to read? Seriously, if this thing can get published there's hope for everyone. It was a tie between this and rash of Australians being abducted by aliens for my 'weirdest story/thing of the week'.

Until next time, goodnight and good gravy.

Face To Face Two Face...

Of all the characters I've recently drawn Two-Face was the one I was most proud of. It took forever to get the right look and colours for him. And while I was messing around with some pictures today I thought it would be good to use his faces in a pop art style cartoon. Marilyn Monroe eat your heart out.